All posts by Kirk Fox

earth planet traveler

TO PROTECT AND SERVE AND VOLLEY

     I was asked today what I would like to do if I wasn’t a comedian. It was a pretty easy answer. I said I’d be in law enforcement. But the problem with law enforcement is there is lots of paperwork. I’m not a big fan of paperwork or uniforms. Then I thought if there was a way to be a detective and wear a cool suit I’d be into that. But then I thought back to last year when I was the host of a TV show that required me to wear a suit. I felt a little constricted in the suit. I even suggested that I wear a sweat suit. That didn’t go over too well. I didn’t have to wear a tie though. I’m not very good at ties. My neck is small and I don’t think it’s built for a tie. We even had to fix the shirts so they didn’t look so big. I didn’t make a lot of demands during “The Test.” I always wanted some bananas backstage and a turkey sandwich nearby. In my mind I wanted to have the strength to make it through the shows. We did four a day. That’s a lot of work for a guy who has spent most of his life trying not to work. My other request was that the security was close. So those were my demands. Food and protection.

     Back to the topic. Law Enforcement. Officer Kirk Fox. It does have a nice ring to it. The picture at the top of this blog is from a TV show I was a part of a couple years ago called “The Last Laugh.” Or maybe it was “Last Laugh.” Crazy. How can I not remember? Oh well. I’m not going to look it up but it was one of those. I should know. I should know a lot of things. I do know it was on TBS and it was a prank show. I think Ashton Kutcher was the producer but when I ended up sitting next to him at a Dodger game recently he seemed to not really remember me. I did all the pranks so I figure he would have possibly seen one of them. But the first day on the set I was a cop. Right up my alley. The prank was pulling people over and then finding drugs in the car that had been placed there earlier by a friend of theirs that was in on the prank. Sounds like fun. But as they were dressing me up in my police uniform I slowly began to notice a problem. Everything I was wearing was real. Except for the gun and the bulletproof vest. My brain didn’t like this. Aren’t those the two things that should be real if I’m pulling over people? Even real cops are nervous during a routine traffic stop and they have a real gun and vest. But there was nothing routine about what I was about to do.

     The first car that was pulled over was a black escalade being driven by who I actually thought was Suge Knight. We were on a side street and when the car passed we were told to pull in behind it and hit our lights and direct them to an empty lot across the street. I looked at my partner in the patrol car and said, “You want to take this one?”

     “Are you kidding? This one is all yours.”

     He saw that the driver looked like Suge Knight. We thought that maybe we were getting punked. We were about to approach a black escalade and pull out Suge Knight and then find weed in the back seat that we had placed there. And just when he thought he was going to jail we all laugh and run out with the cameras. And the friend that was the passenger laughs and we have some great TV. But as I was walking to the driver’s side window I slowly realized, the only real gun in this scene might in fact be in the car I was walking up to. As I got closer I instinctively began to take out my fake gun and I slowly dropped it and raised my arms up above my head. The driver got out, it wasn’t Suge Knight. But it could have been his brother. He was scared. Unarmed. And hadn’t seen me drop my gun. I told him, “Get back in the car. Did I say get out of the car?! Put your hands where I can see them.” And then I picked up my fake gun and slid it back into my holster. The prank went as planned. Success. No one got killed.   I would also like to note that I would have done the same thing no matter who I pulled over. It was a scary prank. You never know who you are pulling over. I was just aware that Suge Knight had a history of being around violence. And I have a history of avoiding violence. That’s the reason I wanted extra security on “The Test.” I’m fragile.

     The point of this story is just to answer the morning question. Yes. I would be a cop if I wasn’t a comedian. But only if I could carry a real gun and wear a real bulletproof vest. And have comfortable shoes. And a banana and turkey sandwich always close. Next to the shotgun. Maybe I’m too high maintenance to be a cop. Bottom line, if I wasn’t a comedian I’d be a tennis pro. And a cop. “To protect and serve and volley” would be my motto.

     And I just remembered the show.  “Who gets the last laugh?”IMG_0062

collect nothing

This blogging seems to be harder than I thought.  It sure makes me appreciate writers who actually sit down at a certain time and write.  Last Sunday I said I would try and put words on paper every Sunday.  Well, it’s Sunday once again so let’s take the fingers out for a little run.

I just had lunch with a 73 year-old woman who when she told me to guess her age I said 50.  It’s not so much that I’m bad with numbers but she looked 50.  Age came up because she works at Bristol Farms and she said she only works a few days a week because of her age.  I was having lunch at a table near the dumpsters and she asked if she could join me.  She said she had five minutes.  Tables are for everyone and I have never once in my life said “no” to someone asking if they could join me at a table.  We’re all in this together.  They can always join, now talking is a whole different ballgame.  She said she watches the test on the mornings she doesn’t work and she said I was very good.  That was nice of her.  I told her the show has been cancelled and she said, “that’s okay.  Something else will come along.” 

Amelia left Russia in 1973.  Moved to Israel with her husband and stayed there for seven years.  She learned their alphabet in a month.  I was impressed.  I’m still working on ours.  Then they came to America.  She used to work in the cheese department at Bristol but now she is in the deli.  I didn’t know there was a separate department.   You learn a lot by letting people join your table.  But here is the key to this blog.  I asked her why she looks so young and she said it’s because she never held onto anything.  If she had something to say she said it.  Never holding onto something that made her unhappy.  If something or someone bothered her she would get it out of her.  Collect nothing is the key to life.  Let go of things that are bothering you.  At least get it out so it can be discussed.  I’ve held onto things before.  And she’s right, it aged me.  

Then John Mulaney and his new wife walked by.  He introduced me to her.  They seemed happy.  Still newlyweds.  I told John that if he can’t find anything in there to let me know and I’ll have Amelia get right on it.  They went in. Amelia continued talking.  A few minutes later John and his wife came out and walked by again.  I told them they looked happy and that I should get married.

Amelia told me that I don’t need to get married.  And then she said that getting married is easy.  Staying married is hard.  And then she got up and said it was nice talking with you.  What I just wrote about took five minutes.  No more, no less.  That’s how long her break was.  It was my first lunch with Amelia.  I’ve seen her in Bristol Farms for years.  She always gives me samples.  She takes care of me.  But I now know if I ever have a cheese question I’m going to Amelia.  

Also, watch Mulaney this fall on FOX.

 

An Attempt

I have decided to put some words on paper today. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. I haven’t ventured into the foxhole for quite some time. This will be a simple post. Not too complicated. I’m not a fan of labels but I guess some will consider this a blog. They say in order to conquer the Internet you have to post with some sort of consistency. People need to know that on a certain day they can go to your website and read or look at something new. Maybe I will post a blog every Sunday. But then they would have to be interesting enough to make people want to return every Sunday. But then I would need to be entertaining or at the very least educational. People don’t want to waste their time anymore. I think in the past they didn’t mind wasting their time. They may have thought they had much more of it to waste. There was less to do in the past. Now, you can find thousands of things just a click away to waste your time. There are people that spend their whole lives living in virtual worlds on the Internet. Simulating the actual world we live in. I’m a big believer that we should conquer this one before we move into the fake worlds in a computer.

So what will this blog be about? Maybe it’s already about something. It’s a little reminder that we should spend more time outside. Go for a walk. Look up at the clouds today. We spend so much time looking at our phones that we forget there is a whole world around us. We take so many pictures we forget to actually take a look at it through our own eyes. That’s it. That’s the blog for today. It’s my first blog on my new website. I’ve ventured down into the foxhole. It has been a few years. I forgot how much I like it. Clicking the keys. Seeing words connect.   Imagining a stranger reading the words and possibly finding something I’ve said of value. That’s really all anyone of us want. To be heard. And once we are heard, to say something of value. Add some importance to the world. Educate. Entertain. Make someone think. And in the process, make ourselves think. This blog has made me think for a moment. I have stretched my brain. I have completed a task. A simple task. And yet, it has taken years for me to sit for a moment and throw words against paper.

And now I stop. Because I’m suddenly reminded of a past feeling. If I don’t stop writing I could simply go on forever. Clicking the keys. Living in this world of imagination. Just writing forever and forgetting to go outside and live in that world. The trick, combining them. Write some words. Go outside and find more things to write about. I will talk to you later. Thinking that I have to wait till next Sunday to write to you again is not appealing. What if I want to write something sooner? Is that wrong. Is that the wrong way to connect with people? There is no wrong way to connect. If you are attempting to connect, you are making the effort. And that’s what I just did. If you read this, we connected. Have a good day. Now go live it while you can. Kf.